News & Opinion

Practicing Social Distancing Through Creative Landscaping

What with the recent emphasis on social distancing, we find ourselves looking for innovative ways to maintain distance while still getting on with our lives. But, one look at the situation that’s developed along Florida beaches is indication enough that not everyone is taking this all that seriously.

We’ve all been advised to keep a six-foot distance from one another and to stay indoors whenever possible. Here at the office in quarantine, we wonder, “why stop there?” If staying at arm’s length is good, extending that distance to as many arms as possible can only be better, right? Throw some locked doors and some natural barriers into the mix, and you’ll have no problem keeping those folks with a “Spring Break” mindset from entering your safe space.

That’s why we suggest practicing social distancing through creative landscaping. By following these simple steps, you can make your property as uninviting and inhospitable as possible.


Anti-Landscaping Techniques

We’ve spent a lot of time and energy writing articles giving tips on how to beautify your lawn. Today, we’re telling you to forget all of that.

Let the grass grow long, let the shrubs grow scraggly, let the weeds crowd and choke out the flowerbeds. Quit watering the lawn. Worry about subduing the earth later. Here’s why: as your neighbors start to see your yard looking unkempt, they’ll be less likely to want to check-in on you.

“But, won’t letting my lawn get out of control indicate that something might be wrong, and thus signal to others that they should come to make sure I’m doing alright?” you might be wondering. Well, perhaps, but keep reading for why we think that won’t be an issue.

Not Today, Friend

Undoubtedly, there are those out there selfless enough to put their own well-being at risk to help their fellow man. An unkempt lawn won’t stop them, and all the sawgrass in the world won’t change that. But, don’t worry, we’ve got a plan to keep your neighborhood’s “Mother Theresa” away as well.

Tigers. The answer is tigers. Get a couple, and let them loose on your property. If Netflix’s recent “Tiger King ” series has taught us anything, it’s that if you’re crazy enough and dedicated enough to the cause, you too can be the proud owner of your own group of tigers….(By the way, what’s a group of tigers called?…an ambush of tigers?…seems appropriate here). Anyway, if Joe Exotic can figure it out, we reckon you’ve at least got a fighting chance.

With your yard looking like a jungle, your new tigers will feel right at home. And, with any luck, they’ll start to get real territorial, too.


Moatal Recall

At the risk of overdoing it here, we think that there’s one final step that will ensure your shelter-at-home time remains undisturbed. Build yourself a moat around your property.

We think that our friends in antiquity and throughout the dark ages had the right idea. In the event of a full-scale invasion at your homestead, a moat that runs along the property line will serve to slow down the intruder, the curious neighbor…even the mailman.

With all of these measures in place, you’ll find that most curiosity-seekers and well-wishers will likely come to the conclusion that checking in on you simply won’t be worth the hassle. And, for the one or two that get over the moat, past the tigers, and through the weed-and-briar-patch situation you’ve now got going on in your yard, well, you’ve made a lifelong friend.

Plus, when this all finally blows over, you’ll still have a sweet moat. We’re not sure what to tell you about the tigers though. You’re on your own with that one.

PS. In case it wasn’t clear, this was an April Fools post to help you enjoy a laugh today.

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